The curse of the loft conversion (Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2006)

We are in the latter stages of having our loft converted, and to say it hasn't gone well is like saying Al Qaeda have done a few things that were a little naughty - a gross understatement. I have a library of photos on my PC where we've photographed everything that has gone wrong, but in no particular order they've:-

• Gone through a mains pipe on the landing flooding the lounge and dining room


• Gone through the bathroom ceiling leaving a massive hole (so I can look at the stars while I poo)


• Damaged the conservatory roof with the scaffolding so that the kitchen door into the conservatory no longer opens


• Broken dozens of roof tiles


• Flooded the loft space by going through a pipe and flooded my wife's wardrobe


• Left the freezer in the garage off ruining all the food


• Damaged the ceiling in every bedroom (the odd hole here and there)


• Cut off our Sky reception (and next doors!) with the excessive scaffolding at the front of the house


• Cut off the cold water to the shower in our bathroom


• Broken the middle toe of my left foot


• Breached development regulations by increasing the height of the house

To be honest, most items on the list pale into insignificance when compared with the last two. By not trimming the stairs properly they left a section of wood overhanging a doorway, which I ran through and got the mother of all stubbed toes.

A nice break which will see me hobbling for the next couple of weeks. Oh, and there's the small matter of them submitting misleading plans to the council, which show our new dormer window below the height of the roof, when in fact they had built it higher to give us the head room we require for building regulations.

We've got till the 20th January to submit new plans and until the 24th January to make the changes, otherwise we will have to revert the changes to our house - that'll be fun. It's not like my wife is due to give birth in 10 weeks, oh actually she is...

Do I sound pissed off? I'm sorry...it takes a lot for me to get stressed but the last week or two has been quite phenomenal. They are taking the roof off our house tomorrow to try and resolve the issue, but if they can't then they will have to lower the roof, and we will have to sell the house to a family of midgets - if you know any, then please email me their details (cue a whole bunch of emails about Snow White looking for new residence).

Oh, and our iron exploded on Sunday. And my mum spent the week-end in hospital with a migraine so bad that they thought she had a brain tumour, as she didn't even know her name. Roll on February....!

To top it all, I haven't been sleeping particularly well as I have been having a series of apocalyptic dreams. In the last week the following has happened:-

• The world has been taken over from vampires, and I'm the last remaining 'human' hiding in a cave on a beach


• A pandemic virus that makes your joints look like you've been carved up sweeps the world, and I'm the last remaining human who inadvertently finds out that they started the spread of disease from a laboratory


• A robotic breed take over the world and take control of all humans. I'm the last remaining human who tries to outwit them (by for some reason singing a Bob Dylan ditty about going for a picnic in the country)

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