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It's been a while..... (Friday, Jul. 21, 2006)


Can't believe how out of date my diary is, so here are the last 6 months compressed into one entry.


British Grand Prix: Got there at 4am, started drinking Fosters at 8am, fell asleep 10 minutes into the race, waking up to see the drivers doing their lap of honour at the end of the race. �99 well spent. Ironically I seemed to have a more enjoyable day than those who were awake during the race, so boring it turned out to be. Highlight was a trip to the toilets (of course) with my son to do a number 2. I asked him to wait quietly outside the cubicle as I did my business. 3 minutes in at the top of his voice he shouted "Dad, which bit are you up to? Are you doing your poo or wiping your butt?".

Stevenage Circus: Can't remember much about this event, other than the trapeze artist with the ridiculously large penis - my boys were in histerics watching this thing sway from side to side like a pendulum, inside his wafer thin skin-tight spandex. There were audible gasps from the women at the front. Then there was the ring master's daughter who clearly had not an ounce of talent, who tried to cycle around on a unicycle picking up cups, but fell off about 10 times before walking off embarrassed. Had to feel sorry for her. And there were only about 50 people there - man I hate circuses.

Stevenage Stunt Show: Another quality offering from Stevenage, a stunt show which costs just �26 for the whole family - a bargain surely? For "Stunt Show" read "Gypos on reclaimed scrap vehicles". It wasn't all bad, there was an obsession with setting this poor guy on fire all the time, "watch mad mike drive his motorcycle through flames", "watch mad mike get chucked through flames off the bonnet of a car", "watch mad mike get shut in a coffin and set on fire", "watch mad mike run through a fence of fire", and so on...They tried to big up the star of the show who had "broken his toe the day before and was advised by doctors to stay off his bike for the next 3 weeks, but has ignored their advice to be here today - the show must go on!". My 7 year-old turned to me and said "They're just trying to make it interesting aren't they Dad". Despite my 7 year-old figuring out this porky pie, the Stevenage possie seemed very taken in by this tale of woe collectively wincing as his bike hit the ground.

Nasty Neighbour: Rang our door-bell at 9:30PM last night (nasty in itself when she knows we have a new born baby) to complain. I answered the door *ever* so politely, and she said "Paul - can you please stop parking your car outside our house". I looked at my car, then looked at my house and then back at her and said "but this is my house not yours". She started to go a scarlet colour and said "Yes but you're over the border and outside our house, you do it all the time Paul". Fair play, my bumper was probably about half an inch over the invisible border between our house. "But it's hardly blocking your drive" I persisted. "THINK OF OUR GRASS AS OUR DRIVEWAY AND THEN YOU'RE BLOCKING OUR DRIVE" she shouted. Great argument. Couldn't resist. "Well in that case, think of my car as a friendly little rabbit and then it won't bother you any more". She turned and stormed off, shouting "it's bad enough staring at your loft conversion as well as your car" - so that's what this was about, 6 months on and she's still pissed about it.

Great Game: A great recommendation from my friend Bingaroony for a game to play on long car journeys (though not with your kids). It's called the anal car game. Simple to play, simply place the name of whatever car you see after the word "anal" and hey presto, you have the name of a porn film. Personal favourites are:-


  • Anal Fiesta

  • Anal Warrior

  • Anal Discovery

Birth of my son: Oh, and I now have 3 boys - that's pretty important I guess. Joseph Michael Curtis was born on 13th April and is one of the main reasons I haven't updated my diary for a while. I am completely and totally knackered. However, he is now 3 months old and sleeps like a dream, has started to laugh and is generally a pretty good kid. But that really really is it for me - 3 boys is perfect.

There is so much more but I'll save it for a future entry, going to try and keep this bad boy up to date from now...

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