Exploding Phones and Elvis Impressions (Monday, Apr. 25, 2005)

Having kept my mobile phone for nearly 6 months (a new record for me) the inevitable happened - I lost my phone. Well, kind of lost, kind of 'left it in the airport'. I went to their customer services to ask if it had been handed in, and was greeted by this 'half man, half potato' character, very odd looking. When I asked my perfectly reasonable question I was greeted with a demonic laugh - "You think we'll still have your phone? It'll have been blown up into a million pieces! Mwah ha ha HA HAAAAA". Not impressed with this, I asked if I could see the pieces. Wish I hadn't bothered. His monobrow lowered and he grunted, before walking off. After a few minutes I assumed he'd gone for good but just as I turned to go he returned with a similar grunt. "I've just checked and they've thrown the pieces away now". "Of course you have" I replied sarcastically - "Let's just hope you never get abandoned in the airport with out an owner". Obviously not picking up on the sentiment that I hoped he got blown into a million pieces he told me "that will never 'appen, cause I knows the airport like the backs of me hand". Sometimes it's better to just walk away...

In other events, my attempts to appear on 'Match Of The Day' narrowly failed. I was at the Aston Villa vs Bolton game, 3 rows from the front, when a fracas broke out on the pitch in front of us. Everyone around me started berating the ref, but seeing my opportunity to get on the telly as they would be filming this in close-up, I went for something different to try and stand out from the crowd. So for some reason, I went for an Elvis style jig, with one arm held aloft, though it obviously annoyed the chap behind me as he clocked me on the back of my head with his coke bottle. However, mission accomplished, I'm sure I'd done enough.

Turning on the telly that evening, could barely contain my excitement as the highlights started. At last, the moment of the fracas, but the camera resolutely managed to keep me out of shot, though it did catch a spectator getting irritated by something in front of him and lobbing a coke bottle at them...ah well, the 15 seconds of fame will have to wait a little longer.

In the category of 'stupid things I have done' the latest entry is a huge bruise on my right heel that is making walking very painful at the moment. It resulted from trying to pop a balloon. Trying to pop a half deflated balloon, with my heel, on a hard wooden floor, whilst wearing nothing on my feet. Thinking back to my physics lessons it was obvious what was going to happen really, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Needless to say, the balloon just compressed in the middle where my heel came down with tremendous force and didn't soften the impact with the floor one iota.

Hopefully this week will be more uneventful - meeting a guy at a train station in London on Tuesday night to hand over my mandolin for �200 cash - surely nothing could happen there...

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