Toilet Tales - Part 1 (Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005)

The winner by a huge margin (well, 2) which I feel quite reassured by on the basis that clearly I'm not the only one obsessed with toilets otherwise you'd have chosen a different topic. Though you may have gone for 'Fireworks night - blowing up the in-laws' had you been given the choice, but there's that to look forward to. And surprise surprise it's taken over a week to put up here, oh well...

So anyway, a normal day at work, a normal 9:12 trip to the toilet. I have noticed that our (now departing) chief Exec is always in the toilet when I am. I haven't yet figured if it's because our bodilly functions are completely in sync, or whether it's because he's a 60 year old man with a dodgy bladder who needs to pay a visit 153 times a day.

On this occasion, he was departing the only vacant cubicle, but I patiently waited for him to dry his hands in front of the cubicle before entering (didn't want to push past him, causing him to crack his head on the top of the dryer, sending plumes of blood all over the toilets, which is what would have undoubtedly happen). Finally I'm in my cubicle, and to be quite frank, it was a bit of a mess. There was a nice splatter of urine all around the seat which is not what you want to see when go to the loo.

As I heard Ray depart the toilets I found my self tutting - "tsk, tsk, Ray". To my horror, I heard Ray's deep voice, "yes? What's the problem?". Clearly it had been someone else departing the toilets rather than Ray. My blood ran cold as I racked my brain for the correct answer. Clearly "you've pissed all over the toilet seat Ray" wasn't what I wanted to say, so I found myself quickly trying to think of words that rhymed with Ray so that I could say he'd misheard me. The best I could come up with was "Sorry Ray, I was saying Hoo, Hooray as for once there is some toilet paper".

He left without a word - well not an audible word anyway, probably just "tosser" under his breath...

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