Somethings burning - and I think it's my arse (Monday, Jan. 30, 2006)

...and of course a return to my favourite venue, the lowly toilet, though this time in the comfort of my own home. I try to use the toilet as home as little as possible as nothing gives me more pleasure than using the toilets at work, and calculating based on my hourly rate how much easyJet have paid me to poo.

This time however, I was in our own bathroom, it being the week-end and also because my constitution isn't so strong that I could hold on for 3 days. Anyway, my business done I then experienced that well known sensation of arse burn, where after repeatedly wiping with dry toilet paper, you start to experience chafing. That's when I spotted the handy pack of wet wipes.

Given that I have young children, all of our toilets (listen to me boasting about my multi-toileted residence!) have a pack of wet wipes designed to help little 'uns wipe their bums after going to the toilet. The moisture ensures that they don't experience that uncomfortable chafing experience and get put off wiping their own bums. So this is what I decided to use.

After the initial relief of wiping with the added moisture, I experienced an unexpected burning sensation. I wiped again to ease the burning and it only got worse. "No wonder the children complain" I thought, "these things bloody hurt!". It was around about now that I noticed the bright red and green wipes that the children *actually* use, "Crazy croc's kiddy wipes". I then looked at the packet of wipes I used and read in horror the words "Parozone Fast acting anti-bacterial toilet cleaning wipes".

Fast acting, no shit. They were fast acting my arse into a red blobby mess that itched and burned like nothing I'd ever experienced before. The only option was to jump into one of the showers (yes, I live in a mansion), take the shower off it's attachment, and hold against my arse at full power. The relief was instant. Had lots of fun explaining the scene as well when wy wife burst in asking what all the noise was about. "It's OK, it's nothing" I said. So I'm standing in the shower with my top half clothed and a shower attachment up my arse - clearly it's something. She then saw the wipes, put two and two together and left in hysterical laughter. Not known for her sympathy is my wife.

Day after and the swelling seems to have subsided now, so long as I don't sit down for too long. In other news, "nasty neighbour" has started going door to door in our street and to the people who live behind us, getting them to sign her petition against our loft conversion. According to our allies in the street, after a day of canvassing she had two signatures (including her own), so I think that's the last we'll hear of her....

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